


Save you

by bee7



Category: GOT7
Genre: Adopted Children, Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Past Lives, Character Death In Dream, Depression, Dreams, Falling In Love, Implied Past Life, M/M, Magic, Major Illness, Meant To Be, Non-Graphic Violence, References to Suicide, Slow Build, painter jaebum, photographer youngjae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-08-24 14:25:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16641912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bee7/pseuds/bee7
Summary: "Hum, not too bad indeed, the model helps a lot I would say," Jaebum smirks at the boy in front of him before thinking better of it, again the boy blushes, interesting he thinks to himself. The voice in the back of his head says it could be interesting if Jaebum wasn't a dead body on earth, it doesn't matter in his actual situation.“I, hum, I promise I won’t use it on my project if you let me keep it. I just want to keep it to myself-- not for creep reasons obvious, just because it’s a good photo and I was the one who took it… and shit,”“Obvious...”





	1. Next time

**Author's Note:**

> \- this is inspired by got7's save you.... yah too much of a good song for me to ignore it  
> \- everything in italic are Jaebum's dreams  
> \- pls enjoy it and lesbians lets go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It begins Eclipse

They've been eating for a while now and Jaebum can see Irene getting impatient from his right side, he thinks about forgetting all about it, is not a good plan, maybe he can do it later, another time and not ruin their meal. His hands are shaking so he has to stop eating in order to make sure no one will notice it, he thinks it will be alright till his sister seems to have had enough of waiting.

“So, are we going to stay here all night long pretending you didn’t have something ‘very important’ to tell us? Jaebum, I pay the nanny per hour, I can’t afford to spend the entire night waiting for you to solve your personal dilemmas, just say it already,”

“What if I don't have anything to say, huh? Maybe I just wanted to have dinner with my lovely family,” he smiles cheekily at her even though he’s more than nervous, he tries to play it down even it’s just for his benefit.

Irene scoffs rolling her eyes, “big fat chance, you love the kids more than you love me, I doubt you would spend time with us without them.”

“Well is not that hard to love anyone more than I love you,” His parents are looking at him as well no one seems to find fun on what he says, Yeri is too immersed on her phone to even look at her food much less at them.

His throat closes and he goes into a coughing fit, “son, have some water, here.” His mother hands him her water even though he has his own right by his side. Jaebum has the table entire attention when the coughing finally stops.

“Son, we are a family, you can say whatever is bothering you, we are here for you, we won’t judge you. Right?” His father gives pointed looks at his sisters, Jaebum is grateful for that but he doubts even his father will be at his side when he says what he has to say.

“I-- Dr. Henry told me about a new treatment,” his parents’ eyes are already shining just at these few words, Jaebum hates himself for what he will do to them. “It’s a new technology from Japan, it’s supposed to help patients like me to increase their chances or whatever.”

“What does whatever mean?” Yeri asks looking at him happily, she probably thinks her brother can get a chance to have a normal life, his throat itches.

“Increasement of your life expectancy--”

“Oh my! That’s amazing, when are you starting?”

"I'm-- not, I'm not doing it, mom," Jaebum says looking down at the food on his plate, he barely ate anything. He planned it better in his head but right now he can't remember exactly how he was supposed to convince them that was the better option for him. "The-- the treatment… it is too aggressive like it's supposed to be the one with the best results but at what coasts, y'know?"

“What do you mean at what coasts? You will live for a longer time, what is too much to pay for it?” Irene looks angry at him, maybe she knows that’s a battle she won’t win, no matter what she says she won’t be able to change Jaebum’s mind. “Maybe you will feel a little nauseous, will throw up every other hour, but so what? At least you will be alive!”

"So what? You try spending your entire life feeling sick! You try not being able to eat anything you want, try not being able to sleep at night, try wake up as if someone is choking you, try not getting close to anyone too scared you might die at any moment, try it, Irene! The side effects will be way worse than these stupid things you said anyways, it's supposed to make your life a living hell, I don't want to spend the rest days of my life as if I'm already dead!"

Yeri is on the verge of tears, she doesn’t have to say anything Jaebum knows what she’s thinking, probably the same thing as their mother, they look the same, feel the same, and Jaebum feels terrible, they are the last people he would willing to hurt in his life. But it’s his life, that’s all he wanted them to understand. It’s his choice to make.

“Son, we should talk better about this, talk with Dr. Henry all of us together, there’s always another way--”

"As if you're already dead? You are already dead Jaebum! What do you do with your life anyway? Spending your entire days in that ugly studio you call home or at the gallery without seeing anyone, with no friends, no boyfriend, no anything. You're fucking selfish that's what you are, you decided you don't wanna try just because your life is already shitty enough--"

"That's enough, Irene!" His mother yells they are all standing now, his mother has such a small figure, she never yells at them, but when she does everyone goes quiet in a second, "don't ever talk to your brother like that again. Your father is right, we should talk to your doctor together, see what can be done, you don't have to discard this option so easily."

What she says just helps to make the anger inside Jaebum build up even more, “easily? You all think it’s easy to say enough? It is not! But I have said it, enough, that’s enough for me. Think whatever you want, that I’m giving up, that I don’t want to live, whatever I don’t care. It’s my choice and I’d like you to once in my life respect what I want.”

“Jaebum, you know we can pay for whatever you need, you won’t be in pain son, don’t act like that you’re probably just too stressed up… it will be alright.”

“Yes it will dad, it will be alright as soon as all of you understand that I won’t be doing this stupid new treatment.”

Irene stands in front of him, she doesn’t look sad like the rest of their family, she looks mad ready to a fight just like Jaebum feels. “Sorry, mom, but I… how can you be so selfish, they have been paying for all the drugs and the treatments since forever, they have been taking care of you, of us, as if we were their own, and now you just decide you have had enough? You’re a pussy, Jaebum, I bet mom regrets picking you up at that orphanage,” his mother gasps while Yeri runs to her room, Jaebum hates seeing his little sister crying, he knew she would be upset but he never meant to hurt like that.

"Should have let me there to die then! I didn't want to be in this family anyway!" As soon as the words leave Jaebum's mouth he regrets them, his mother slaps his face with so much force, she has never used violence with any of them, is not something she believes in but she did now, Jaebum knows he has hurt her, really hurt her this time. He feels his face burning, he touches it taking two steps back, "fuck-- whatever I don't need your blessings, is my life and I'll do the fuck I want with it,"

“Jaebum, wait,” Irene goes after him, he doesn’t know how she looks cos he won’t look at her, can’t look at her face. Just takes his things by the door ignoring everyone.

"Get away from me!" That's the last thing he says to her when she tries to pull him before leaving the house, the wind is too cold outside but Jaebum doesn't care, he loves it, he never could walk outside when it was cold like this, too cold for your lungs, his mother would say. He doesn't know why he still cared about it even now an adult living by himself. Now he could do whatever he wanted, walk outside no matter the hour, no matter the temperature.

Dinner was awful, but he didn't expect it to be any different, of course, he wasn't expecting to be slapped either but of course, his family wouldn't be happy with his decision. Jaebum feels like a teenager having to fight his parents to be able to make his own choices, it's not like he was able to do it when he was younger, so he thinks it's fitting. He won't have it anymore. He won't go through another invasive treatment that will probably just destroy the rest of his life he was ahead of him.

He’s walking quickly not knowing exactly where he’s going to, too distracted by his own thoughts, coughing from time to time, sometimes it getting tough than others, when Jaebum hits something, someone, a firm body, the man almost falls in his back but the other person is fast enough holding on one of his arms. Jaebum thinks he’s safe enough when a light goes off right at his face.

"Woah- Woah, what the fuck?" He yells scratching his eyes.

"Hum, sorry, I just couldn't resist it the lights on the back with your lips parted-- I mean it was a beautiful image and I-- I had to capture it? Keep it?" The boy in front of him says with a strong accent, delightful as if he didn't almost throw Jaebum to the ground and take a picture of him without asking. Jaebum wants to punch him right in the face.

"Delete it," he demands. The boy looks awfully surprised by Jaebum's reaction, was him expecting for thanks or please take more pictures of me without my consent? "Come on, delete it, I want to see you deleting it right now, right here,"

"Not even a ‘thank you' or ‘I'm sorry for bumping into you, stranger'? That's rude. Just for that, I'm not deleting the picture, you'll be kept here forever." The boy sounds like he's joking as if everything is funny, he has so much light inside him, the way nothing seems to bother him, Jaebum hates him. He tries to get the boy's camera from him which startles the other, he holds the camera behind himself while Jaebum circles his body with his arms trying to get the professional camera away from his.

“Hyung, what-- I need this, is my work tool, alright? You can’t just take it away from me!”

“What did you call me? It doesn’t matter, I don’t want your camera, I just want you to delete my photo, if that’s what you work with you should know you can’t just take pictures of people without permission.”

The boy blushes a beautiful pink that Jaebum wants to touch so bad, he shakes his head pulling some space between them, not the moment for thoughts like this one. "I'm sorry, I know I can't just take pictures of people like that, it's just I'm taking pictures for my uni project and you appeared behind me looking really… hum, perfect for a photo? I had to! Come on, I will show it to you, I think it came out really good, you will like it too,"

Jaebum should say no, he hates taking pictures, has always hated it, since they found out about his illness and he could understand he was going to die he started hating it, he didn’t want to go away and leave pictures behind, didn’t want people to look at them and feel sorry for him. He concedes it to the weird boy with the weird accent, “ok let’s see what you get in there,”

The boy smiles up at him as if Jaebum just gave him the entire world, he isn't used to making anyone look like that, all he ever gives people are bad news, reasons to feel sorry for him. He likes how the boy looks at him way better. "Here you go, good right?" He shows Jaebum the picture at the screen of the camera not letting Jaebum touch it afraid he will try and take the thing away from him again, he won't. The funny thing is that the photo really looks good, Jaebum has his eyes closed and lips half parted, you can see all the city lights behind him as if framing his face, even though his hair is a mess and the bandana is covering almost all of his forehead, Jaebum can admit that it looks good, maybe the best picture anyone has ever taken of him. It looks just like him, not as if he tried to be something he isn't, just him, Jaebum.

"Hum, not too bad indeed, the model helps a lot I would say," Jaebum smirks at the boy in front of him before thinking better of it, again the boy blushes, interesting he thinks to himself. The voice in the back of his head says it could be interesting if Jaebum wasn't a dead body on earth, it doesn't matter in his actual situation.

“I, hum, I promise I won’t use it on my project if you let me keep it. I just want to keep it to myself-- not for creep reasons obvious, just because it’s a good photo and I was the one who took it… and shit,”

“Obvious...” Jaebum thinks it would be good for his family to have a good well-taken photo of him to keep even if just for them, “alright, but you need to send it to me and not use it in any project, hear me? Or I’ll sue you,”

The smile he receives is worth a hundred of other pictures, even hating it Jaebum would let the boy photograph him all night long if only he would keep smiling like that. “Thank you, I’ll need your email, then.” He takes his phone from his back pocket, Jaebum tries not to stare too much at how tight his jeans seem to be, “type it here. My name’s Youngjae by the way,”

"Youngjae. It fits you, I guess," he doesn't know what ‘Youngjae' means but it sounds good on the boy's voice and the way he says it… it's not like Jaebum says it, "where are you from, Youngjae?" He doesn't mean to engage in conversation, he really doesn't, his curiosity just gets the best of him.

“I’m from Korea, Mokpo, do you know it?”

“I’ve heard of Seoul, is that useful enough?” The boy laughs, a beautiful laugh that makes something switch inside Jaebum, he notices he still hasn’t typed his email too distracted looking at Youngjae’s eyes and starts typing it quickly.  “I’m Jaebum, I guess I’m from Korea too at least I’m supposed to be, my biological parents aren’t around for us to ask though,”

Jaebum says it as if expecting, hoping for Youngjae to say something, to ask something too personal so he can snap at him, so he can show that he isn’t as nice as he seems to be, but he doesn’t he just nods his head thoughtfully, “you look Korean yeah, Jaebum-ssi. You would do well there…”

Jaebum is grateful for him minding his own business but reminds himself that it doesn’t change anything. He gives Youngjae’s phone back at him, sending him a small fake smile, “don’t forget to send me it, I think my little sister would like the picture.”

"Oh, sure, I will send it to you, soon." Their hands touch when he takes his phone from Jaebum and is so weird the tingling he feels on his skin, Jaebum just wants to leave already. "There's this place around the corner, they have the best well not the best but the cheapest and still good ramen in the city. Would you like to try it? I mean totally my treat, consider it me apologizing for everything I've caused you tonight,"

"You didn't do anything, Youngjae, I was the one who bumped on you. Just email me the pic later, alright? I have to go," he says leaving Youngjae without a chance to say another word, he knows how rude he was, he could have rejected his invitation in a nicer way, but he didn't have to, Jaebum doesn't have to be nice to strangers he won't ever see again. Strangers that make something twist inside him, is better to just leave it as it is.

When he finally gets home is almost three in the morning, Jaebum texts Yeri apologizing for what happened on dinner, going straight to bed he sees Youngjae's eyes as soon as he closes his own eyes. "Goddammit!" He rolls his bed for almost an hour trying to take the boy out from his thoughts, he doesn't know why he's so impressed by the boy, he's cute and full of life yeah, but that's it, Jaebum shouldn't have crushes in every attractive person he meets, he has been repressing himself from feeling anything towards anyone since he was a teenager, that's not a good time to forget about the reasons he has to do so.

When Jaebum has had enough of turning around on his bed, he gets up going to his studio, it was supposed to be his living room but it’s not like he has any visitors ever, and nothing is more important to Jaebum than having his own studio, is where he’s able to express himself, to put everything he has inside himself on the outside. He prepares everything he will need for the painting, knowing exactly what he will create.

It takes Jaebum almost eight hours of insensate work, making small pauses just to use the bathroom and smoke some cigarettes, that’s a habit his mom would kill him for having, but his lungs are almost dead already, it can’t make things much worse. When he’s done Jaebum feels proud of what he created but at the same time he feels pathetic, staring right back at him is Youngjae’s eyes, he made them on a large canvas he had at home, everything so perfect, at least he thinks he could capture most of the light city trapped inside the beautiful clear eyes. Even the mole under his right eye, Jaebum thinks he got it right.

It looks just like him but at the same, it's able to capture how magic they are, how intense they looked at Jaebum the last night. And that's the most pathetic part, how was he able to learn every trace of his face eyes, of his face like that? They didn't even talk for too long. Jaebum sighs to himself, maybe he's just trying to forget about the fight he had with his family, with Irene, they have always been so close, being left in that place together, praying to never be separated, being adopter together, growing up together. Maybe he's focusing on Youngjae in order to forget that he decided to not try the new treatment, that he decided to be away from her, from his family.

It’s probably not so deep, yeah, if he’s lucky enough Jaebum will forget all about him, he will send Jaebum the photo he took and Jaebum will delete him from his memories altogether. Taking a shower Jaebum blocks every thought he has that is not related to his work, he thinks he can sleep for two hours or so before he has to go to the gallery, in fact he can sleep for as long as he wants, but they are working on a new exhibition it wouldn’t be too responsible of him to just not show up today. He checks his phone, no email from Youngjae, just a text from Yeri.

 

**_Yeri (8:45 AM):_ **

**_i get it_ **

**_just dont think it’s fair of u to leave me alone with irene_ **

 

**_Yeri (10:34 AM):_ **

**_mom is really upset_ **

**_im upset too_ **

**_come over tonight pls_ **

 

But Jaebum won’t, he won’t come over tonight or so soon, he’s embarrassed by the things he said to his mother, also he doesn’t know how to react to her being upset, he’s afraid she will end up talking him into giving the treatment a try, he knows she can do it, he would do anything to make his mother happy. So he won’t show up and he won’t call them either. He lays in his bed exhausted, can’t think much too sleep deprived.

* * *

 

_"God, what did you do? What did you do? Love, please talk to me," the man is shaking him, hitting hard at his chest but Jaebum can't think much of it, he can barely see the other's man face, all he can feel is the feeling of freedom taking over him, everything will be alright soon. "God, why did you do this? I told you-- I told you we would find a way."_

_Desperation is starting to take over the man’s voice, tears falling to Jaebum’s face, wetting it completely, “please… don’t leave me. I can’t stay here without you, can’t live without you,” Jaebum thinks he knows this voice, it’s soft and strong at the same time, it’s his favorite sound in the universe, he tries to say so but his lips won’t move._

_The man is taking a small bottle from Jaebum’s side, he can’t see what he does with it, his eyes closing completely for good, all Jaebum feels after it is the weight of another body lying over his. Hot breath on his ear, “we will be alright. Next time... I’ll save you.”_

Jaebum wakes up not being able to breathe, he takes his inhaler from under his pillow spraying it in his mouth five times or so till his lungs stop burning and he can breathe again. There are tears rolling down his face, Jaebum can't tell if it's because he almost died suffocated on his dreams or because of the dream itself. The man needs to take a time staring at the ceiling, not wanting to think about the dream, the man… his voice, it sounded ridiculously like Youngjae's voice, it's ridiculous he feels like crying again, he needs to take this boy off his mind, he can't afford this. He doesn't know what got into him, but he knows this isn't right, he can't be obsessed with that kid.

It’s already dark outside, Jaebum overslept, he checks his phone for the hour, noticing some missed calls from Alexa, one of his employees, texts from Yeri and what he feared and wished for the most, an email from Youngjae.


	2. DAHLIA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trembling in my chest is suffocating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls enjoy it?

The hours pass by slowly since Jaebum received the email from Youngjae time has decided to not pass at all. His family has always been scared that he wasn’t living, that life was going too fast, the would be happy to know that time has stopped altogether for Jaebum. It’s been two days since he got the email, all he did was delete the notification so the thing wouldn’t be there yelling at him to just open it. 

He doesn’t know why he can’t open it either, it’s literally just an email from someone he doesn’t know shit about yet he’s scared out of his mind to read it. He thought about deleting the thing forget about the picture as well but that was too definitive, he doesn’t have this courage, that part he doesn’t admit to himself out loud though. 

Work at the gallery has been exhausting, at least that’s enough to distract him as much as possible.

“Aw, the barista at the coffee shop gave me a discount since we’ve been buying a lot of coffee lately, I don’t even think he can do that, but he did anyway, isn’t it cute, boss?” Alexa says happily as she enters the gallery where Jaebum and her co-workers work on finding the best place to which piece they’ll expose, handing everyone their special order. 

“Maybe he’s flirting with you, are you being obvious again?” Ed asks distractedly not looking at her direction. The ‘again’ word makes Jaebum smile to himself, knowing what Ed means by it even though Alexa never seems to get it. 

He savors the coffee flavor, just the way he likes it strong and without sugar, this place seems to have the best coffee Jaebum has ever tried in his life. He’s so distracted by it he almost doesn’t catch what Alexa says after it, “nah, he looks gay, like very gay. Also, I think he’s more of bossy boss’ type.” 

“You two can chitchat latter when you’re not at work! And saying someone is gay just by looking at them is rude, people don’t look gay, Alexa,” except that Jaebum knows they can, but he thinks it’s better to reprimand her. “And, lastly, I do not have a type. Go back to work.” 

They always find a way to ruin his mood, not that it was good before but at least he was distracted by the work they have here, now he’s mad at something he doesn’t even know what it is. 

Maybe is the way Jaebum decided to ignore his desires completely after some time into his treatment, even his usuals hook-ups is a thing he left behind, he doesn’t have to satisfy his primal necessities with anyone that could very much become an attachment to him. That’s not something he needs in his ‘life’. So he thinks about having a type and just hates it. 

The silence in the room doesn’t last much, Jaebum knows he can be scary most of the times but his employees are used to it already. They just respect his wishes at first but after a few seconds they are back at their noise selves, is not like they can do this kind of work in silence anyway. Jaebum enjoys the noisy surroundings since all he knows at home is silence. 

“Boss, you should go home, you look tired.” Lisa, one of the gallery’s artist says, she’s one of the few artists that actually work exclusively with them. Jaebum wants to snap at her, say that it’s not because he’s sick that she should tell him when to go home much less tell him how he looks, but he doesn’t he refrains himself counting to ten. 

“We all should go home, it’s late and we will be done in three days or so. Please take some rest, will be here tomorrow by eight no excuses.” He decides to say instead. 

They say their good-byes which Jaebum doesn’t bother with, just taking his bag with himself and walking out of the door. He goes straight to the coffee shop, something he never did before his legs just walk him there without his consent when he realizes it he’s already there. 

The barista is a smart-mouthed boy that won’t shut up for the life of him, Jaebum is thinking about giving up and going home already since the line won’t move but he needs more of the taste he only can get here. 

“Hi, I’m Jackson, what can I help you with today, Sir?” He smiles too much as if Jaebum just told him a joke, which he didn’t he didn’t even open his mouth yet. How could Alexa think this boy was Jaebum’s type? He’s good looking yeah but Jaebum would never look his way twice, not when he talks non-stop like that.

“I need a black coffee, no sugar. Make it just like you always do,” he says impatiently seeing the like grow behind himself. 

“Like I-- are you a regular? I don’t seem to recognize you and let me tell you I know all my regulars by name,” and what the fuck was that did he just wink at Jaebum? The older man feels a blush creep on his cheeks, stupid Jackson person. 

“I am not a regular, my employee just always buys coffee from your place. How much will it be?” 

“Oh, who’s your employee? Maybe I know them then,” Jackson says happily and he reminds him of someone else, someone who also smiles for no reason at all even though they just took a picture of a strange without their consent. 

Jaebum breathes in and out for a second asking God for strength, “how much will it be? You don't seem to see the line forming behind me but I very much do, if you were my employee I would have fired you by now.”

Jackson looks taken aback by Jaebum’s tone, he hasn’t seen anything yet, “sorry, I was just getting to know you, didn’t mean to bother you. My apologies.” 

The boy charges him and apologizes again, Jaebum almost feels guilty he knows how working with people might be stressing but it’s not his fault Jackson isn’t good at what he does so he tells himself he didn’t do anything another person wouldn’t do as well. 

He waits for his coffee to be ready the strong smell invading his lungs, he likes the smell and it should be just like any other cafe but it isn’t, there’s something else in the air, a smell he can’t place, it’s just so good he wants to stay here forever. Jaebum notices a vase with white dahlias at the counter, are they the source of such smell? He makes a mental note of looking up white dahlias as soon as he can. He hates how his name sounds on Jackson’s voice when his order is finally ready, he’s happy again and is not like Jaebum wanted to ruin his mood but he also didn’t want happy bouncy Jackson back so soon. 

Jaebum only takes a sip of the coffee when he’s outside almost choking on it, the things testes terrible as if Jackson burnt it in purpose, that’s the only explanation for something that tasted so good before taste like this now. 

He throws the whole cup at a trash can right out the shop, cursing to himself, is it possible that he came to the wrong place? Or maybe it’s just the universe reminding him that it hates him. 

Getting home isn’t a pleasant part of his day either, it has never been. For someone that likes to isolate himself as much as Jaebum does is pathetic how much he hates his loneliness. It just got worse though, every time he comes home now the first thing he sees is Youngjae’s eyes in the middle of his living room slash studio, it stares at him as if it knows all his secret. 

It doesn’t matter what else Jaebum has to do he always sits in front of the painting and stares at it for hours, which details mesmerizing him, usually, he finds a million of things he doesn’t like about his art the more he stares at them not with this one though. The more he looks at it the more he likes the thing, it’s just perfect as if he’s back at the place where they met as if he could look at Youngjae’s eyes again.

His obsession is driving him out of his mind he even considers throwing it away but gives up on the idea if just because of the amount of time it took from him to finish it, at least that’s what he tells himself. 

Jaebum decides to put an end on it, he gets his phone from his pocket, opening his email, since he got Youngjae’s email he got a few others but his still there untouched. He closes his eyes before clicking on it when he opens then all there is there is a phone number. Nothing else, no photo, no explanation just a phone number. Jaebum wants to laugh that’s how mad he is, he wants to laugh and break his phone in two. 

Youngjae probably expects him to text the younger boy, which he won’t do. Jaebum feels like texting him just telling him to go fuck himself but then he would have his number and the man doesn’t want that. He sets for emailing Youngjae back  **‘just send me the goddamn photo.’**

It actually scares Jaebum how fast he gets a reply, not even five minutes later Youngjae is the one emailing him.

**‘Text me? I’ll send it to you, I made a promise just wanted to send it on your phone.’**

**‘I’m on my phone. Send me it here, now.’** Jaebum emails him back, he isn’t so mad anymore but when all he gets on his email a full hour later is the picture Youngjae took of him he feels like pushing the boy. 

So that was it? He probably waited to see if he was going to get a text, he didn’t so he didn’t say anything back which is rude, at least Jaebum thinks it is. Now he doesn’t have a reason to speak to Youngjae, all the expectation before he finally read the email was for nothing. Of course, he has his number but what would he use it for now? 

Now Jaebum has this stupid picture, he didn't really want anyway, and all he had connecting him to Youngjae is gone. Then he thinks he didn’t want a connection either and decides to call Lisa, it doesn’t matter that it’s almost 11 PM. 

“Lisa, I want the entire gallery to be white, the whitest color out there, and--”

But the woman is already stopping him, “are you out of your mind there? We don’t have time to paint all the gallery, and even if we had there are pieces already placed, we can’t just change things at this point.”

“I didn’t ask you your opinion, I said what we gonna do, so just do it.” Then Jaebum proceeds to explain to her all the ideas he had in the last hours. She hates everything, says it’s too pompous and that they can’t pull it off in two weeks. Jaebum doesn’t care though it’s his gallery he will do what he wants to do no matter how many sleepless nights they will have. 

When they get off the phone Jaebum orders hundreds and hundreds of white dahlias, he knows a good website from one of his artists, he never worked with flowers but now it feels like the only thing he needs to do in his life.

He barely has any sleep that night, not because of caffeine since he didn’t get it the way he wanted, maybe it’s because he forgot to take his pills today and yesterday as well and maybe the day before it. And definitely, because he doesn’t care for sleep when he has a new project in his hands a new obsession. 

The next day Jaebum is dead on his feet, he doesn’t drink the coffee Alexa brings him, it feels like he’s taking revenge over Jackson by not drinking it and throwing it at the trash again everyone seems to enjoy their drink as much as they always do, maybe even more today that Jaebum isn’t drinking it as well. He feels bitter over a coffee cup, Jackson took it from him. 

Jaebum uses the excuse he has with the showing they will have soon to continue ignoring his family, he talks to Yeri but that’s it. He misses his nephew and niece but he can’t talk to Irene, he even though about texting Wendy about it but gave up on the idea she wouldn’t go behind her girlfriend’s back anyway. 

So he focuses on his work, his whole crew crazy mad at him for all the extra work he put on their hands but soon they will be excited too as soon as they can see the things Jaebum envisioned. 

He goes home just to take a shower so he can come back soon to the gallery, when the man stares at his reflection in the mirror he feels dread on his mouth. Remembers Irene saying he’s already dead and really he looks like it, he’s not only living like it. But it’s for a good reason he thinks, it’s so he can be proud of something he did himself. 

“What the hell are those?” Ed almost yells over the dahlias Jaebum ordered, he paid a big amount of money for it to arrive so fast. 

They look amazing, Jaebum knows exactly what he will do with them, “they are perfect, aren’t they?” He asks no one in special, they are all looking at him as if he already lost his mind. 

Jaebum asks Ed to help him, he will plant a single flower into a canvas, more likely will make a canvas out of it, “why do we have hundreds of it if you will only use one?” 

He doesn’t answer, Jaebum will take care of the other flowers later by himself, right now he works on the prettiest one he could find, he will take care of it as good as he can. He also feels intoxicated by the smell, the gallery has never smelled this good, ever. It reminds him of Youngjae and he can’t even understand why, so he just ignores it again. 

One week after he started this mess, his principal flower is pretty they make sure it gets everything it needs, sun, water, and nutrients. The rest are being dried up in a room, Jaenum made some research and contact some people about the best way to do it. They are hanging on the ceiling beautiful, he wonders how long they could stay like that. 

Being one week away from the event he starts to visit his parents, he knows they will come to the exhibition, he would rather talk to them first. Jaebum feels weird about his intentions but goes there anyway. 

So Jaebum gives up on staying till late tonight, going to them it’s not something he’s too keen on doing but will do anyways, he loves his parents more than anything in his life, stay away from them just doesn’t sit right with him. 

His mother hugs him tightly as soon as he gets there, she doesn’t talk about their last conversation at all doesn’t bring the treatment subject up and it kind of reminds the man why he loves her so much. He stays on Yeri’s room till dinner is ready so he can see how things are going and ignore the confrontation for a little longer.  

“Mom has been crying, she tries to mask it obviously but I see, I always see it,” his sister says from where she’s sitting in front of her computer, she says that as if it doesn’t mean anything as if she doesn’t cry a lot as well, they both pretend Jaebum doesn’t know exactly how she feels. 

“Hum,” he doesn’t know what to say to this so that’s exactly what he says, “I don’t know what to say or what you want me to say…”

She looks at him bothered, “I don’t want you to say anything, Jaebum. Really what could you say, am I right? It’s just… how can I put this in words, it’s frustrating how she’s already suffering so I feel sorry for her.”

“Already suffering?” 

“Yeah you know, she will suffer when you end up in a hospital bed, she will suffer when it all comes to an end… isn’t it unfair that she’s suffering already even though you’re still here?”

It is like a slap on Jaebum face, ‘when it all comes to an end’ he knows what it means when he finally dies way younger than his mom would like. 

Yeri just says it so naturally, talking about his future death naturally just like Jaebum does it makes something ache inside him, hearing it hurts like saying doesn’t. She isn’t at fault here she doesn’t know how he feels, probably too used to his reality to pretend anything at this point. Still, Jaebum feels terrible when he hears that. 

“You mean… mom shouldn’t be sad now, that she should storage her pain to when I finally pass away?” His voice is full of range and they both hear it that’s why she narrows his eyes at him.

“Why are you mad at me? You are the one who chooses not to start the best treatment. You shouldn’t be mad at me of all people.” It clearly says that he should be mad at himself, only at himself. “Anyway, she won’t be storing her pain, she will suffer anyway but when you take hope away from someone it obviously makes a difference in how they feel…  just saying,” 

The conversation ends just like that, Yeri goes back to her computer as if she didn’t just say heavy things to her brother. 

It’s not like Jaebum wants her pity he definitely doesn’t but she puts in a way as if she’s doing him a favor which she isn’t. Jaebum feels like leaving, she didn’t do anything but he wants to leave wants to go away and eat somewhere else away from them.

Jaebum goes upstairs, he finds his parents talking at the kitchen, they go silent as soon as they see him they were probably talking about the best way to approach their son, he knows them well. 

“I’m sorry for what I said last time,” he starts. 

“Son, it’s fine, we understand.” They assure him, but that’s not it.

“It ain’t fine. I shouldn’t have said the things I said and for that I’m sorry, truly,” Jaebum takes his mother’s hands on his, “I’m glad you chose me, glad you brought me here, glad I’m your son. His mother cries it’s like she needed to hear those words, she probably needed, he continues. “I hope you understand I’m really not doing that treatment, I’m going to live my life the fullest and won’t burn the last I have of it.”

His father’s face change completely, “Jaebum, we will talk--”

“I won’t be staying for dinner that’s all I wanted to say. I hope you all can make it to the exhibition next week.” Giving his mother’s hands a last kiss Jaebum walks out of the door, he doesn’t look back because he can’t, he feels like crying but all he can do is light up a cigarette. 

Jaebum walks through the same ways that brought him to Youngjae last time, it isn’t as dark as that day, it’s like there’s no moon or sun in the sky, dark but in a weird way. He sits at a bench getting his phone so he can look at the picture Youngjae took from him right at this spot. Just like the painting he has at his place, it doesn’t look quite like him but at the same time, it looks like it fits everything that he is, inside and out. 

Before the man decides to get up and go back to his studio he goes to his emails and deletes Youngjae’s numbers, he deletes all the extent deleting it from his trash folder as well. It feels wrong like nothing has ever felt. That’s what makes Jaebum feel like he did the right thing. He goes back to his studio watching Youngjae’s eyes till he falls asleep, exhaustion taking over his boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter's summary is from kim lip's eclipe, i've decided to do a thing with this song in this story let's see if works.  
> and yeah no yj.. lets go slowly


	3. ECLIPSE.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ll bloom myself in your mind  
> Even though time passes  
> Forever, do not let it go  
> Continue Eclipse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- there's violence tag but it's not graphic it is only there bc of Jaebum's dream, u can skip it but i think it will be confusing  
> \- if u skip and need explanation just let me know in the comments  
> \- enjoy

_When she hears a knock at the door she thinks it’s Maite having forgotten her keys, it always happens and she has to come back home making the younger teacher late for her classes. María has a smile on her face when she goes to the door, “silly Maite,”_

_“Where’s she? Where’s my Maite?” As soon as María opens the door she is faced with a yelling probably out of his right state of mind Carlos. The girl clings to the doorknob, she knows there’s no use in trying to close the door at his face. Maite isn’t here and she doesn’t want him to be at their door if her girlfriend happens to comes back as she thought._

_“She isn’t here. You better go,” but then Carlos is pushing himself inside almost shoving María to the ground. “Get out! There’s nothing to you in here, if you don’t go I’ll ask for help.”_

_“What are you so scared of? Are you scared she will run away with me as soon as she sees me? You know that’s what she does right? She lies, she pretends to love you but then someone else comes around and she leaves you.”_

_He says the words incredible close to María’s face, he’s holding her and it hurts, the young woman can smell all the alcohol coming from his entire body. Her legs are trembling, she never felt this scared of him, she remembers telling Maite that everything would be fine that Carlos would never find them again. Yet here he is._

_“How did you find us?” She asks trying to think about what to do next._

_“Don’t try to distract me! I want my Maite! Where the hell is she? You better start talking, you slut” one of his hands goes to her hair and he pulls at it, hard. María whines trying to get away from him, she can feel her heartbeat accelerating from how scared she is, scared knowing Maite has felt like this a thousand times._

_She looks at the clock at the wall, Carlos following her eyes. He slaps her right at the face, she cries out trying to put some distance between them without much success. “Let go of me, you pig.”_

_Another slap, then another and another, no matter how much she yells no one seems to hear or to care. They moved together here, she and Maite, three months ago, no one knows them here but she would hope they wouldn’t let her be beaten up like that._

_“You made her a dyke like you! You made my Maite leave me! You!” Then the slaps become punches, and there’s even more blood on his hands, that’s all María can see, desperation taking over her body. “You corrupted my innocent sunshine. I will kill you for that.”_

_There is almost no strength left on María’s body at this point, trying to punch him back it’s just tiring her up and doing no good. Things escalated so fast she thought she would be able to escape but no such luck, Carlos is way bigger and stronger than her._

_“She isn’t yours, she was never yours.” María tries to smirk but her entire face hurts, “she has always been disgusted by you. She hates you!”_

_And then María is spiting right at his face, the punch she gets for it makes her small body fly to the ground and then there are kicks after kicks, at her ribs and stomach, then at her head. She yells more degrading things at him, she wants him to hurt her, to deposit all of his anger on her, so he might leave before Maite comes back from her work. Maybe he will have to run away after he’s done with her._

_Carlos kicks at her stomach extra hard, it feels like her entire body is burning, she gives one least look at him when she gets to see a picture of Maite, the girl always loved taking pictures. It’s one they took one week after the moved out, she’s the prettiest person María has ever seen._

_Then she’s crying, she just needs--_

 

* * *

 

Jaebum wakes up breaking to a cold sweaty, he can’t breathe and it takes him some time to get his breathing under control as usual. When he touches his face he notices he’s been crying while he was sleeping. It all comes to him in a second, Carlos beating him up and Maite-- God what about Maite?

He leaves his bed still confused looking around that’s not the same place, not the same decoration, nothing is like it was just two seconds ago, there’s no one hitting him, no one after Maite, thank God. Then Jaebum is running to his living room, when he sees the painting it’s just so rewarding, her eyes, no _his eyes_ are right there looking back at Jaebum, Youngjae it’s right there, his eyes right there.

Jaebum gets his phone from his room dealing the numbers he didn’t even know he had memorized. It’s five in the morning no one should pick up, but they do, after three rings a tired sleepy voice is talking to him, “‘ello?”

“Ah-- are you okay?” Jaebum asks not knowing what to do, honestly, the only thing he knows is that he needs Youngjae to be okay, to not be scared of anything right now to not be in danger.

“I’m… who is this? Jaebum-ssi?” Youngjae asks as if he just found the perfect answer to what is happening, and he did but Jaebum can’t let him know.

“Wrong number, I’m sorry for waking you up.” Jaebum hangs up on the boy, his voice breaking in the last words, he’s scared Youngjae will call him back but he never does. Jaebum feels a sort of panic rising into his stomach, he still doesn’t know if the boy it’s doing ok but for some reason he needs to know, he just _needs._

He cries again, just a few tears, no noises, he touches the painting staring back at him and it feels right. The painting should be at the gallery already but he couldn’t get what was necessary to let go of it just yet. He’s glad he didn’t.

It takes him a long time to settle down, to understand that it was all a dream, a fucked up one but a dream nonetheless, that it wasn’t Youngjae the one he wanted to protect in the dream. He won’t be able to sleep again even if he tries so he works on some drawings on his sketchbook, eyes again.

Maite’s eyes, they looked so much like Youngjae’s, dark and beautiful, with so much life inside them as if they hold all the light of the universe. As if Jaebum could find all the answers to his doubts there, to his fears.  

Jaebum waits to it to be finally six in the morning so he can run out the hose to maybe get some peace, he curses under his breath getting up and fixing some stuff at the kitchen. He gets his favorite coat at the hanger and walks out of his apartment, there’s just something he needs to do. He needs to breathe right again.

Jaebum only notices it when he’s right in front of Irene’s house, they haven’t talked since their fight at their parents’ home, yet Wendy is here and he needs her help. He knocks twice, no more than that in order to not annoy Irene, she opens the door and she looks annoyed enough, “why are you here at this hour?”

“I need to see Wendy, is she up?” He asks fidging with his clothes.

Irene narrows her eyes at him, in her face an expression of disbelief, “first, get in the air is too cold for you! Second, what the hell, Jaebum? We haven’t talked in weeks and you come here as if nothing happened demanding to talk to my wife?”

“Listen, we can talk about whatever you want later, alright? But where is Wendy? I need something, a favor from her,” Jaebum demands again, he doesn’t even complain about the fact that he can stay in the cold air if he wants to.

“She is the kitchen having breakfast, the kids are still asleep so don’t be loud.” She has a necessity to be a mom he thinks, Jaebum is never loud not when he doesn’t have a reason to be anyways.

He goes to the kitchen where Wendy is having a pile of packages, she looks like she is exactly where she wants to be, Jaebum has a second to envy her till he remembers what he is doing here. The man greets his sister-in-law quickly, “I need a favor.”

“Hm, ok. How have you been, Jaebummie? Yes, I’m fine too, thanks for asking,”

“Please,” then he notices Irene is also in the room, he would ask her to leave but that would just mess things even more for him. “Sorry, but it’s your Korean still good?”

Wendy laughs then she smiles as if waiting for him to say what he really has to say but nothing, “hm, yes? I mean it’s in my blood.”

“I need you to call someone for me, to speak to them in Korean, obvious that’s why I asked. I just need to check on him nothing else. Know if he’s doing alright.”

“Why?” Irene interferes making Jaebum close his eyes and sign, he’s the one who needs them he has to remind himself.

“I will call this person, but how will I--”

“Lie, say whatever you need to say just get him to tell you if everything is alright. I had a weird dream and now it feels like I have to know…” Jaebum trails off, he can’t really make sense of things, explaining them seems even harder. “His name is Youngjae, just… get him to tell you the truth please.” He pleads.

Wendy looks at Irene and they have a silent conversation, Jaebum hates when his parents do that and he hates them doing this as well but finally Wendy gets the phone from his hand and press the green bottom on the screen, calling Youngjae.

Jaebum blocked his number so he wouldn’t see the same number as last night and Wendy would be able to lie about her location, it didn’t take long for Youngjae to pick up and then they were speaking in Korean right in front of Jaebum, he was mesmerized but his anxiety as killing him as well, he just wanted her to tell him what was going on already.

Irene was sitting by her wife side, eyes never leaving Jaebum, he did his best to ignore his sister. Soon but not soon enough Wendy hanged up returning Jaebum’s phone to him, “he’s a cute kid, I can see it now.”

“Can see what?”

Wendy rolls his eyes at him but continues, “I just see it, Jaebummie. I had to lie pretend I knew him and his mother from Korea at first he was though but God Jaebum he is so scared of being rude.” She smiles and Jaebum doesn’t care, he doesn’t care about Youngjae’s manners, he just wants to know how he is.

“And? Come on, Wendy, that’s not why I asked you to call him.”

“Don’t be rude!” He ignores Irene now that he already got what he needed.

“Sorry. Well, he said he is doing just fine when I talked about one of my friends being into astrology and seeing things about him, I was so lucky he fall for that I didn’t even know his zodiac sign,” she smiles thinking about it. “Anyway, I… he said he is struggling,”

“Struggling with what?” Irene beats him to it, not like he could form words now becoming too worried about Youngjae too fast.

“He said is his student exchange, the place where he leaves had a problem with the heating system and it’s hard to stay at home. Also, he got a job but all his founds goes to his saving account so he can maybe manage to stay here when the exchange time is over. He sounded so sad, the way he talked about food… I don’t know if he’s been eating well.”

Exchange. Jaebum didn’t know he was part of an exchange program, that makes sense he guesses. “But he’s alive at least,” Jaebum says receiving glares from the two women in the room. “What? He is alive! I had a bad dream I just wanted to make sure--”

“Okay, enough with that. Why did you need Wendy to call this ‘friend’ of yours? Why couldn’t you call and check on him? Also, you only care if he dies or lives and how is it related to you having a bad dream?”

All the questions are making Jaebum dizzy, he doesn’t know the answer to those either, well he knows why he couldn’t talk to Youngjae but all the other things they are a mess and a mystery to him too. “Wendy, thank you for helping me out. I need to go, the exposition is tomorrow night I gotta a lot to do still.”

Jaebum doesn’t give them any second to protest walking out quickly, he hears Irene’s voice but ignores it completely. God, why did he memorize Youngjae’s number? Why did he feel as if it was Youngjae he had to protect in the dream and not Maite? He feels like crying again even though that was never a thing he does so usually.

He thinks about Youngjae alone in a dorm room without a heating system, without any money, and what did Wendy mean by not eating well? How can she know? Jaebum tries to silence his mind, he goes to the gallery so he can work on the final details, right now everything is about doing everything they have to do in time.

The day goes too fast for his liking, he will spend the night here he thinks to himself, get everything done. _The painting_ is already here he got his team to get it at his apartment, he heard a lot of praisings for it but ignored which one of them.

“Take this and stop being so snappy, it ain’t cute.” Lisa says placing a large cup of coffee right in front of him, Jaebum hasn’t had coffee from that coffee shop since that incident but he misses it, he misses it so much.

“I’m not being snappy, I don’t know what are you talking about,” Jaebum says while he takes a sip of the coffee, it tastes so good, he moans around it which gets him a face from Lisa. “Thanks for the coffee, now go, there’s a lot we sill have to do.”

“Listen, Jaebum, everything is almost finished we’ll be done in no time. Go home, alright?”

Jaebum wants to laugh at her, there’s no way he will let them finish everything by themselves, he doesn’t even reply to her all he does is walk away, he checks everything he already checked again. The dry flowers can only be here tomorrow in order to not make a mess of it, they are a privilege for the opening only.

There are also other things that can only be fixed tomorrow. Most of the things they had to do today are really done. Jaebum checks Youngjae’s eyes, the painting, they look back at him and it’s like they say something.

Jaebum goes after Alexa, he writes Youngjae phone in a piece of paper handing it to her, “call this number, say we saw his portfolio through a friend and that we have an internship vacancy. The name is Youngjae, he works with photographies… say the payment will be good.”

“Youngjae?” Alexa eyes light up, “I think I know him! I mean how many Youngjaes that are photographers are out there? And oh my God, the eyes! I knew--”

“I don’t care,” something beater rises on Jaebum, something like jealousy but he won’t look into it now. “Just call him, tell him to be here Monday morning, you know how those things go..”

“Do we need a photographer though, boss?”

“That’s for me to know.” He snaps again and maybe Lisa was right about his mood but he won’t admit it.

Reluctantly Jaebum goes home, he lets everyone go as well, they will be there before the sun rises tomorrow and there’s nothing they can do today anymore. The house feels incredibly empty without Youngjae’s eye in the middle of the room, that’s why he didn’t want to come back, the man is afraid of sleeping, afraid he will have another dream like the one he had last night and won’t find Yongjae’s eyes there to comfort him.

The thing is Jaebum needs to sleep, is an important part of his treatment, sleep and eat well, but he can’t do that when he’s too stressed. He stares at the picture Youngjae took of him for hours, maybe looking at it one would be able to say that Jaebum is sick, it’s like could look at it and see everything about Jaebum, yet it’s so beautiful, the lights reflecting in his skin, him being the only focus. Jaebum wants to hear Youngjae’s voice again, but he doesn’t, he can’t.

Jaebum wakes up late the next day after sleeping for only two or three hours cursing when he gets to the gallery most of the work is already done, there’s nothing much left. Lisa hugs his side smiling brightly, “I thought you were going crazy with all the white, the yellow lights and the flowers, but it looks fantastic. You’re so good at it, Jaebum.”

The way she says it makes Jaebum satisfied if only because it’s the first time he agrees with this kind of compliment, it looks totally different from what he envisioned before… before he met Youngjae. Before the white dahlias, before the dreams that keep coming. Now it looks like something he should be proud of, the dead flowers contrasting with the beautiful alive one surrounded by the golden frame.

His family comes to the show, it’s nice being with all of them after what happened, he tries to ignore the feeling, the thoughts on his head, tries to enjoy the moment. The moment when things just happen perfectly, he talks to a lot with important people in his area, hear more praises than he thinks he deserves, it’s a good night.

“Whose eyes are those?” Irene asks from behind him, walking to his side, they both hold glasses of white wine, their favorite. She looks extremely beautiful and put together, her small figure nothing like Jaebum. She waits for a reply that never comes. “Don’t tell me it’s just a painting, I know you.”

“What does it mean? It is just a painting, I paid a model to pose for me, that’s all,” he doesn’t like the idea of her or anyone thinking they know him like this, so he lies.

“You’ve been acting weird, what about what happened yesterday? Is that him? The Youngjae boy? Because I don’t believe for even a second that this is a model’s eyes, it’s just… it looks much more special to you.” Irene looks triumphant as if she knows all his secrets, she doesn’t she knows nothing about Youngjae.

“Shut up!” Jaebum hisses at his sister making her smile innocently at him, of course, that’s the reaction she was going for. “It’s not-- I just don’t want you talking about him here. Forget about what happened!”

Nos that he knows that Alexa knows of Youngjae, probably already figured out that it’s his eyes on the painting he can’t risk having anyone hear any kind of confirmation. “Oh ho, I won’t just forget about it, Im Jaebum! I want to know who he is and why you look at his eyes like _that_.”

Jaebum can’t stand her talking anymore, he walks away leaving his sister by herself without another word. He distracts himself with other guests after he’s pampered by his parents and Yeri. The night is going better than he expected, it’s never like that something always happens, it’s always he and Alexa running to fix something, not this time though, tonight everything is just perfect.

He’s just enjoying his night, another glass of white wine in his hand when he notices someone, a man, staring at the dahlia frame, he thought that would be the principal attraction of the night for some reason, but people liked ‘eclipse’ better, _the painting._ The closer he gets to the man more and more he recognizes him, more he is sure of who is right there staring at something Jaebum truly cared for.

His heart is beating way too fast, seeing him again after the dream it’s just overwhelming. “What are you doing here?” Jaebum asks from behind him, almost no space between them, voice lower on his ear. The wine making him bolder and reckless than he ever felt.

“This is beautiful, it’s my favorite and it’s going to die after the showing is over, isn’t it? It won’t live forever, not like the others.” Youngjae says without moving away from Jaebum, but not looking at him either, all he does is keep staring at the piece in front of him.

Jaebum wants to touch him.

Jaebum is confused, Youngjae is here, is he really? The older man moves to his side so he can look at his side profile, yeah he and his perfect face right here. Jaebum doesn’t understand why he isn’t freaking out about ‘Eclipse’ instead. “I-- I don’t plan on letting it die, I’ll just move it to my place, give it a nice pot again.”

At that Youngjae turns to him smiling so beautifully, Jaebum wishes he could keep a garden for him, full of white dahlias. “That’s good. I’d hate to know it died, dahlias are my favorite flowers, y’know,”

“Did you see the painting… huh, the painting right across from this one?” Because it’s obvious that he did, how could he not? And Jaebum would rather confront the situation already instead of waiting.

Youngjae expression changes, he’s no longer smiling, “yeah, I saw it but I don’t understand it. You didn’t even text me, Jaebum-ssi! I mean, why didn’t you?”

Jaebum has to think about it for a second, why didn’t he? The alcohol is messing his thoughts up, he feels an urge to cough and it should be obvious to him, he shouldn’t forget why he doesn’t text cute boys, why he shouldn’t care. Jaebum should always remember why he didn’t even want Youngjae here seeing the painting in the first place, why he shouldn’t be excited by the prospect of him maybe liking it.

“There’s nothing really to understand, I think you have pretty eyes, they say a lot, that’s all,” Jaebum says trying to walk away when a hand stops him, he almost collapses people can see them. He can’t know who is looking at them but the place still pretty much packed so he feels eyes on them, maybe at this point they already recognized another pair of eyes.

“Alexa called me she said you have a place for me here, she said you saw my portfolio but you didn’t, did you?” Jaebum is left speechless, he can’t be sure of that or can he? He wants it all to end, to people to go home, to Youngjae to let go of him no matter how good his touch is. “Why did you paint my eyes, be honest with me, Jaebum-ssi.”

Because for some fucked up reason I can’t stop thinking about you and I think it’s you in all my dreams, Jaebum thinks but never says anything. He looks at Youngjae with despair, as much as he can, “don’t flatter yourself, yeah? I needed a large paint for this showing and it was on the same day you took that stupid picture, it means nothing to me and it shouldn’t matter to you either. Show up Monday or don’t, I don’t care.”

He does care though, he cares about Youngjae showing up and maybe working for him, having money to support himself, to not go back to Korea. His heart breaks seeing Youngjae’s hurt face when Jaebum walks away from him. He shouldn’t care, he can’t care about someone he barely knows like that, someone who has so much power over him even though they don’t know each other.

Jaebum walks out of the gallery in order to breathe some fresh air, his lungs are failing him for the first time tonight, he needs air, he desperately needs. Someone touches his shoulder lightly, he almost wishes, hopes for it but when he looks back it’s his mother.

She gives him an inhaler, even after all the years he moved out she still carries one with her. It takes long minutes for him to breathe without his lungs burning again, his mother hugs him trying to reassure both of them that everything is okay.

“I can’t keep worrying about you like that,” she says sadly, Jaebum wants to say that it won’t last long but it would be too mean, he knows she doesn’t deserve that. Unfortunately, she doesn’t stop there, she holds him looking at his eyes, “son who was the boy inside? Is it about him, isn’t it? You were having a fight,”

He closes his eyes, he would rather talk about his health than about Youngjae, “mom--”

“Don’t ‘mom’ me I could see how intimate you two were, were you ever gonna tell me about him?”

“Intimate? Mom, I barely know him!” He protests not knowing where this is coming from, he didn’t seem intimate with Youngjae did he? They are nothing to each other, his mother is just reading too much into things.

“Don’t lie to yourself, son.” She says, he tries to protest but all she does is try to prove her point by talking about the ‘Eclipse’, it annoys Jaebum to death till he says that he will go back inside so she stops and they talk about mundane things.

While they are outside he sees Youngjae leaving the build, he shakes at the thought that the boy won’t ever be back. Their eyes lock for just a second but then Youngjae looks away, he walks fastly letting Jaebum and his mother to stare at his back in silence together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- sorry for making wlw suffer here but literally they are supposed to suffer and jaebum supposed to die in every past life so.....  
> \- i hope someone is enjoying this jvhdbjcsn i actually like this story so

**Author's Note:**

> \- god ive had this story on the back of my head for the past four days or so, i couldn't think of anything else... so i had to write it... let's think of it as a new wip i shouldn't be starting but i do what i want  
> \- just to be clear here jaebum and irene are biological siblings that were adopted together, yeri is the only biological daughter of the family?? i hope it's clear  
> \- this will have a happy ending don't worry, at least what i consider i happy ending  
> \- im on twitter if any of u want to say anything and stuff @yjakgae lol that's it bye


End file.
